May 4th

Have you ever been to the point where the darkness feels like a place of comfort? Like no matter how bad its gotten, its your very own world and you feel an odd sense of safety. So safe that you consider for just a second to give into its harmonious plea to just end it all? It’s like an exclusive place where no one can get in and the traces of light seems like a myth or some sort of mirage. Well, I’ve been there. I had no method per se. I just couldn’t see my way out of the pit of darkness. While everyone was enjoying life, I was dying on the inside due to causes I had no control over. I felt invisible as if I didn’t matter. The rhythm of the darkness in my life was deafening. Drowning out my cries for help.

I remember a time speaking to my younger cousin, he seemed a little off. Young, handsome, life of every party type of guy was just plain off. On rare occasions we would have deep conversations about life; this was one of them. Only this time we spoke about something that seemed rather minuet. The situation wasn’t in either of our controls as it didn’t pertain to neither of us so I offered advice as best I could. I was hoping that maybe the conversation would go a little deeper but It just didn’t. I honestly cant remember why I had to leave. but I know that it was pressing. Not sure If things would’ve turned out any different if I stayed but naturally I would like to think so. It was the very last conversation that I had with him. A few days later he took his own life.

man, that was hard…

There have been many stories that surfaced as to why he did it. It’s believed that there was even some audio he left behind. Perhaps that’s why he deflected what the true cause of him being off that day. Or maybe the rhythms of his darkness was drowning out the possibility of any deliverance. Thus leaving his mind to ponder on other things that bothered him, both directly and indirectly. He left a hole that God is still healing in our family. I just wish that it could’ve been different.

Honestly, I think that his death kept a few of us alive. I’m not in any way condoning nor praising his actions but it helped me to not be rash during my storm. Some things you go through in life requires you to switch up your reactions. I never knew that God wanted a relationship with me until I realized that he was truly all that I had fighting in that battle for me. When I met the son, darkness had to flee. The last thing that the enemy wants is for any of us to know that truth about who we are in Christ. He rather take us out before we pose a threat to his “kingdom”.

There is no such handbook for detecting suicidal people. Suicide is a very promiscuous demon, perverting anyone that allows it. No one knew the weight of everything I was going through, the few people that I tried to tell about my storm thought I was going crazy. Great thing God connected me with people that knew about the devices of the enemy. They were able to encourage me through the storm and speak life and not death into me. Unfortunately on May 4th my cousin decided to no longer wait it out, this is the reason I go even harder in prayer against the demons of suicide, defeat, depression and oppression. So much so that when I have thoughts of suicide I laugh because it’s at that very moment that the enemy reminds me that he’s behind the turmoil to begin with.

The greatest suicide prevention is God and his word, however i would be remiss to not offer any other prevention methods. There are many more but here’s a couple

Suicide Prevention Resource Center

Glimpse: Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

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